3 PARAGRAPHS - MAX...
UGH! This is a hard one...
My husband's family likes surprises and he gave me a surprise party for my 40th. Thus, I need to prepare for something broadly social during the month of my 50th.
Is it important that I am now a weight I never thought I would be? (Not a terrible weight in terms of our obese-trending society, even I admit that, but a very high weight for moi...I am Texan, not French, so pardon the foreign language, but I like to think I have high aesthetic standards...) As a person of petite height and for many years, obsessive dieting to maintain weight...evolving into my almost-50 self that now ranks other aspects of life (i.e. hunger and stress-ameliorated-by-food) as more important than poundage...I find myself in an odd place. A place I never imagined I would be. Overweight and, most of the time, not despising myself. But on my birthday, there is a new equation of self assessment.
In October there will likely be a social, public, event. I will NOT likely lose 50 pounds in the next month. So - I will be overweight on this big birthday. Will a tasteful (affordable for fashion but taking money out of my art budget, damn it) new outfit from Chico's or Lane Bryant cheer me up? Can I look at whatever party photos are taken and have the perspective of, "What a great party!" and not - hahahahaha, but not really laughing - who is that fat cow with glasses.........
I saw two very wise friends this Saturday who reminded me, in a broader context, People are not looking at YOU. And I knew this was meant in the nicest way.
I hope I can follow in their vein. Not sure I can. BUT - I will show up for my birthday surprise. And I will probably eat. And at some point, I will make make peace with the photos that are taken :)
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2 comments:
You do whatever you damn want! Its your birthday! I struggle a lot with my weight too, last year I told myself I'd lose 50lbs by my next birthday (also in October) but realized that'd be highly unrealistic since I had a baby this year. Your friends are right though, no one's going to judge you. And if they do, screw 'em!
Sarah: this is so funny. Madra Ford is five or 6 years older than I am. She had my 40th birthday fete...and when pictures were picked up, she commented on one of just me. She said, "save this one, and look at it in five years. You will be amazed at how great you looked!" I STILL have that picture framed amongst my special pics!!
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