Monday, January 31, 2011

Corner Seating

I wrote the beginning of this one last Thursday at Trinity Hall, a Dallas Irish pub (I guess in Dallas, we should say "Irish-STYLE pub") where a friend was having a surprise birthday party.

I had 10 minutes to kill and made myself write without knowing where I was going with the writing. (How could anyone do that without a drink in hand…)

A corner’s not a bad place if you yourself choose to sit in it. Not put there. Not herded, trapped, shunted, not having lost out on a better seat through an office – life – game of musical chairs.

Even though I can’t see out very well I like how the high back supports me. I can see in front of me.

Not like the caves, tunnels where I get stuck in my nightmares.

I don’t remember a dream where I get out – I’m in the dark place, then I wake up or the dream shifts. Sometimes walls shrinking toward me, never much room, air... Also tipped or lying horizontally in the narrow space – disorientation added to the claustrophobia.

I am an observer type person, I hate to be invisible but sometimes I want to be watching what’s going on, hear what’s going on, before I got involved. Even after years of therapy and 4 years of medication, I sometimes get self-conscious in public. Who might be watching me, what are they thinking about me? I don’t necessarily care, but I wonder anyway.

A high bench seat is nice because my back is not a blind side, instead it is bulwarked! I am supported there, no one is staring.

The corner seat does block some visibility to one or more sides, but the blocking feels optional – you could scoot sideways, you could stand up. Again, OPTIONS. And there’s my issue with a blind side – my right eye has less vision, and if someone was going to stare at me, they would probably stare at my discolored right side.

I may need more medication.

Or I may need to sit in corners of bar benches more often.

Might need to get a bar bench for my home – it felt pretty good last Thursday.

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