Monday, January 24, 2011

Sunday night journaling before a work Monday

(I was too tired to post this last night - thought of doing it this morning but first wanted to make sure I survived the work day, so as not to negate what I had written.)

What will be required of me this week? Or really, the concern is, can I deliver what will be required… But what if I’m not optimum? Already some healing sighs just from writing these first sentences Even the worst week – with me dropping some balls--

Pause here to comment that I had started this new purse journal on the first blank page – always a little scary, but I remembered to warm up my pen on a different piece of paper. I hate a dry pen start to a writing page…

Anyway, when I got to page 2 I realized it is a lined journal and I had started my stream of consciousness on the blank header page. Which is kind of like my concern for the work week – I am so close? quick? to launching into fear and venting (articulation of concerns), but sometimes there is more structure ahead than I expect, something I should check out (explore) or try to remember.

On page 3, I am not loving the printed lines – they don’t fit my handwritten line spacing. Double is too much, single not enough. It’s been a long time since I used a lined journal and I don’t like it. Me not fitting…like at work? But really, don’t I fit well enough?

(Interlude over, for now)
Back to what I was saying, if I drop balls… Or to address what is probably my biggest fear, if I don’t act perfectly calm (with no personal agenda – haha) every work day, won’t I still be providing very acceptable service? Even if I took a sick day, feeling headachy or sinus-dragged or too tired after Tuesday’s OB/Gyn appointment (the thought of which is a significant undertow) – there would be no repercussions.

Sunday night before a work Monday – Claim that! Feel comfort in it.

The job that has not rewarded me as I believe, consider, appropriate is still a relatively safe place. Takeover attempt postponed (“they” say, till later in the year) financial performance OK this quarter…big sigh of feeling calmer.

Keep up the calm, Sarah self!

Put down the pen and watch the movie that’s about to start. Take a Xanax later at home if you even think you need it.

Just get yourself to work in whatever degree of mental, emotional readiness tomorrow morning. (8 am meeting – yuck – possibly Xanax-assisted early sleep is needed.)

Even if tomorrow (can I dare to think?) the work is not OK (correction – not Sarah ideal) it will be OK.

(Ball, balls and all.)

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