Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Oops - surprise! January goals not on track (or are they...)

I follow the blog of Laurie Justus Pace - http://lauriepace.blogspot.com/ - and around the turn of the year she talked about creating index cards for personal goals.

I am SO anti-self-help at this point in my life but I liked the index cards idea. I stole some colored ones from Craig's desk (he still believes in the power of old-fashioned office supplies) and went to work on Laurie's suggestion.

I was so proud of how my cards turned out - on the printed lines I looked and sounded mature! Centered! I discussed the goals I created with my therapist and she admired them too.

My Four Needs (in order): Food and shelter, Love and friendship, Self acceptance, To write.
My Four Wants (in order): Better job, Improved finances, To be less angry, To feel less lonely.


Once again, the cards have proven their value. I admit I hadn't looked at them for months (ANOTHER SURPRISE! but not really). And I assumed I had gone way off even whatever gentle, organic path I had planned for myself in January.

But really -

Yes, really -

Upon reflection....

Anger is better, i.e. less. My job is better. Writing is almost nonexistent - that always seems to get sacrificed first in times of change (another Sarah trait).

I did NOT have the goal of buying another hundred paintings in a very short timeframe. But, having done that (an unassigned goal) - is there a way to look at it other than as complete addiction/dysfunctionality? I made new friends during my purchases, which ties into the index cards for loneliness and self acceptance.

Whoa - I don't know - am I really ready to explore these questions?

Finances - financial security - didn't I already decide, since January, on some level (secret or blocked, buried or whatever) that art was more important?

No matter how old we get, don't we keep hoping we can have it both ways? To grab new things like a child would, but feel protected like an adult would keep us. I think this have-it-all fantasy skewed my goals.

I could probably blog about this every week and feel it was new.

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